Single Teardrop

~

There are no words left

After the last teardrop ends.

Such a foolish being I was to pretend

I knew all there is to know about sadness and tears

Mere water, minerals and other little substances

Unlike they are carrying secrets of a thousand years.

Would I be most lucky

If I could take one of them,

A single teardrop

Freeze it forever in time,

And watch the ball drop.

So I could learn all the secret wisdom within

Learn about my pain, my joys, my angst, my aching

Learn about why a certain smell or time sends me rotating

But most of all, take back all the words it seems to keep taking

From my lips.

I want something to say but from my mind it continuously slips.

Alas, there is no science 

That can recapture the words that evaporated with the tears

No science to metaphorically condense 

Those escaped words back into something that makes sense

Definitely not back into liquid for inside the ink of my pen

Sometimes all of time feels futile; past-present-future blend

The fact is, here I am, facing a reality most grim; 

Accepting that sometimes, even words can face a tragic end

By a single teardrop.

Dark Sky

October 8, 2019

Two Months

It would have been my father’s birthday today. Allah yerhamu. This poem was written last October.

—————————————–

Two months.

The saying goes, “time heals.”

But I don’t think so. It only strips the surreal.

I think time simply reveals

That the agony is deeper and more real

Than the strongest part of us thought it could conceal.

Because the thought of re-awakening wounds,

Re-living sweet memories buried in stormy hearts

Embracing our unbearable vulnerability

Tears us inwardly violently apart

In a million ways.

Granted, time can heal. And it needs to at times.

Time will heal hurt, bad moments, unpleasant lies.

But what if I only have fond memories of you,

Memories that act as explosive fuel

For enough warmth to set my heart ablaze?

Frankly, if healing means slowly forgetting you

Then I forget who I am, too

So no, I don’t want to heal from this

Remembering you and all you gave me of bliss

This is grief.

And, in brief,

I will learn to breathe through it

Simply because I must, 

and I know you

Wouldn’t have wanted my soul to rust.

I will learn,

Through secret tears that burn,

To take all the knots in my crowded heart

And make a silk rope; just a part

Of my brilliant plan to keep climbing up

That I might be fortunate enough to be your kinda cup

Of tea

At least half as kind, sweet

Half as intelligent a mind,

Half as chivalrous as you were.

I cannot wait for time

To never heal me from remembering you and your legacy.

Looking on the bright side of an endlessly dark tunnel,

Grieving is a beautiful thing, I must say

Beautiful in its own twisted, ironic and desperate way

It’s beautiful to know that this terrible feeling

Meant I knew and loved someone worth the grieving

And that alone is a kind of healing.

Two months down.

A lifetime more to go.

Pink Moving Clouds

-October 11, 2019

-A.S.

Beauty Can Be Cruel

Beauty can be cruel
In all the right ways.
I normally love this season, but these days…
As I breathe in the freshness of autumn,
As I drink in all the hues
As I savour colors of warmth from leaves
Skies adorned with all shades of blues
I can’t help but wonder
At how majestic beauty can be so cruel.

All these colours, ever transitioning
Mock my black and white feelings
Numb… then exuberant joy… numb… then intensely sorrowful
The canvas of colours
Mocks my tendency right now to just feel awful.
And that sun! Glorious and high
Mocks the solid darkness lurking inside
And the wind; pure, clear and uplifting
Mocks the fact I feel I am drowning.
You see, it is the first gorgeous season
I experience without you.
Put aside black and white,
Can anyone blame me for feeling a little navy blue?

But I need this.
If mocking me is the only renewable fuel
To pull me out of deep waters
Then by all means, let the beauty of autumn
Continue to be cruel.

Orange Bursts

October 28, 2019

-A.S.

Quote

This is beautiful. Please click on the image below to read the full post, and make a prayer for my father’s soul. May God reward you.

Peace,

A.S.

 

I wrote the below words in dedication to my father (may God have mercy on his soul). He passed away on August 11, 2019 due to cancer. “Ya Shaheed” Inna lillahi wa ina ilayhi la raji-oun. To Allah (God) we belong and to him do we return. O’ you who returned your face glowed like […]

via Ya Shaheed — missrana

“Ya Shaheed” (by Rana)

No Explanation Necessary

Human Ray of Sunshine

To all the women who are told

To be all that they can be, confident and bold

That nothing could and should ever contain them…

Except to realize, apparently, a piece of fabric can…

Resulting from a well-thought out decision to practice her faith,

Which Quebec is now telling her is a really bad career mistake.

Time and time again,

Battles are waged and women end up in the center of the cage

So here the losers are again, in a different form, ever ready

To play out painful insecurities over identity crisis over my body

By telling me how to dress

Speaking about me rather than to me,

Then claiming to know where my interests lie – the irony

And it’s not like we don’t talk! But when we talk, they don’t listen

Convinced anything outside their own limited perspective is a prison

The need to control everyone else’s stride

Is a load of crap and hateful poison inside.

I’m done trying to explain myself to deaf ears.

No explanation necessary.

But, seriously:

They pretend to agree that all women are equally powerful to men

But then because of Orientalist tendencies, accuse me of being subservient to them.

I’m good, really,

Spare me

Your white saviour complex,

Whenever you think you “help” you just make things into a bloody mess.

I don’t have to explain myself.

I don’t need to justify where I am going

Because frankly, contrary to what self-entitled and privileged minds think…

I owe you, nothing.

I don’t owe you a glimpse of my hair,

I don’t owe you a glimpse of my body,

I don’t even owe you a glimpse in my mind,

But I’m fair;

You owe me nothing, too…

Except the same kind of space and respect I already give you.

In the past, we’re talking decade-younger me

I was a patient person… still am, but not as naively

I’ve learned to now prioritize my generous patience depending on the condition.

Like, I now ask myself a pretty crucial question:

Is this person genuinely clueless, genuinely curious, or is he just being deliberately racist, sexist, Islamophobic, misogynist?

Because honestly, life is tiring enough without justifying my existence,

Over and over again – please spare me this bullshit.

I do not have to explain myself to you.

To the young man on the bus

Who gave me a piece of his unasked-for opinionated mind,

And the random Facebook strangers who think

After their virtual approval in comments I anxiously run behind,

To the people who think I’m too Muslim for a Canadian woman

Parce que <<Au Québec, c’est comme ça qu’on vit>>, apparently

Too terrified to acknowledge they themselves are not natives to this land, more irony…

Mere immigrants and settlers,

Colonizers and oppressors…

Newsflash:

Might seem a bit rash, but —

I do not have to explain myself to you.

To the people who claim religious symbols of any kind make them « uncomfortable »

Turban, crucifix, kippa, hijab, even just a nice long skirt…

I’m always this close to wanting to blurt:

Did you know that there are actually some things that also make me uncomfortable, too?

*Gasp* (No, it’s true!)

But like most people bent on flourishing and blooming on my own path

Instead of bottling up my insecurities and unleashing my wrath

On a group of supposedly “different” people…

I’ve simply learned to be accepting of harmless differences

Because you know what?

I know the world doesn’t revolve around me.

And it doesn’t revolve around those who with my spiritual outlook disagree. Sorry.

I do not have to explain myself to them.

It truly bombards me with waves of confusion

That people try to pass pathetic laws and bills based on the illusion

That what makes them squirm

Like a worm inside

Has the same importance to the point of banning it on the outside.

Are you kidding me?

My favorite expression is “leave it at the door”

Like removing a pair of shoes at the masjid,

Casually toss it on the floor,

I hate to inform them, that’s not how my faith works.

I do not have to explain myself.

Haters have a peculiar diet.

They love to feed on fear

They unite and bond closer over violent riots,

Excited for all but themselves to smear.

You do not have to explain yourself to them.

No explanation necessary.

Just let me be.

Red Alley

And God knows Best.

-A.S.

Kindred Spirit

Star Light, Star Bright

A momentary glance at you

A quick smile exchange

And my desire to speak to anyone else

Right now just fades.

Because you are enough.

Almost everyone else is just extra.

Your kindness, your gentle eyes,

Takes me to another era –

Where I never stopped being a little girl

And you never lost that childish smile

Where we can both freely say what’s on our minds,

Unfiltered; at least for that mini while.

I may not even know you long enough

Or well enough to call this fond feeling a pure love

But what can I do if my heart has decided you are a kindred spirit

Angelically sent into my world with the function to uplift

Even when we talk of subjects dark, grim, and unpleasant,

Your company alone is still one of life’s most marvelous presents.

Upon running into you,

I only wish you knew

The way I instantly feel

A flurry of excitement

But also a calmness more real.

A minute before you walked in my day,

I felt like I had a million things to say

A minute after you left, I felt my socializing was done

For the day.

Not because you drain me

But because I feel fulfilled

Full to the brim with contentment

At this kindred spirit friendship, so splendid.

We may be from different worlds

I don’t expect them to always synergetically collide

But when they do, it blows my mind

And when they don’t, regardless,

I feel happy and blessed

To know someone that uplifts by a simple smile,

Even if I only see you once a very long while.

It suffices to enrich my life,

Because you are so enough.

Glamorous

February 18, 2019

Words Have Power

Stay Blossoming

My poetry is not necessarily

Remarkably great

I write because it’s an odd pleasant struggle

To unscramble my far-fetched thoughts

Into words

And somehow, allowing complete strangers relate.

I’m often asked,

When and why did you get into poetry?

It’s a really long story

But the why, definitely not for glory

The when? We’re talking as soon as I realized

How words rhyming to me is pure zen.

When I write a poem

The thrill is the same as finishing a painting

The canvas being the frustrated bottled feelings,

The ink bringing colour to my never-ending musings.

Poetry is a lifestyle

A means of essential clarity

Turning vague inklings of what I fancy or fear I feel

Into words acknowledging the situation as valid and real

When my mind has wars being fought inside it

Writing becomes my personal armor of sanity and mental uplift

Because as soon as I can make sense of the battles raging inside,

Then immediately all conflicts within cease and I’m fine.

Words are power,

Even if no one but yourself ever hears or reads them.

If you can put honest words to your values and truth,

Then no one and no media can ever make you doubt your worth.

Words have power,

Even if no one but yourself ever hears or reads them.

You have to realise, that growing up

I hid my identity a lot.

It was never exactly out of shame per say,

But merely because what I said uselessly went in folks’ ears one way,

And out the other way.

I’m Canadian.

“No, but where are you really from?

English is not your first language.”

I didn’t have the words then to say that

Canada was not their “home” either

For English and French being the First Nations people’s

Native tongues?… ironically, neither!

I’m Arab. My first language is Arabic.

I’m Muslim. And no, Islam is not the equivalent of being an Arab.

I’m Palestinian, Yes we exist, even if your map denies it!

“Ah, so you’re from the world of Disney’s Aladdin

Chopping hands left and right for desperate acts of sin

Arabian nights, Arabian days”

I didn’t have the words then, as I do today,

To take their ignorant expressions

And then eloquently proceed to slay

Those misconceptions.

Because words have power.

I now write poetry to describe beauty

But my journey started with slaughtering the ugly

Notions and stereotypes people had, still have, about me

Now? I’ve written enough poetry and claimed my own truth

To no longer let anything get under my skin

Trust me,

Even if no one but yourself ever hears or reads them,

Words do have power alright

So spill out your thoughts, and write.

~

~

And Allah knows Best.

-A.S.

(February 2019)

Just a Little Bruised

Ferris Wheel

How to describe this transition?
From highest elevation
To rock-bottom descension
Without the merest expectation.
Heavy long hours
And many a day passes,
And my heart…
Such peculiar sensations it amasses.
How to describe it?
Maybe it’s full to the brim,
Overwhelmed with risk of flood
But it equally feels hollow and empty,
Doing naught but pumping blood.
Maybe it’s very
Lightly cracked
From the constant stream
Of disappointment attacks.
Or hey.
Maybe it’s only a little bit bruised.
Maybe it’s a little purple here,
There a little blue
Maybe the real source of the pain is that you insist to remain true
To you
Among those who don’t have a clue
About their own values.
Maybe your heart is bruised
Because you keep assuming the best
In those who then shatter your hopes
And reveal to be mediocre like the rest.
Honesty is the best policy
But here’s the tragic irony:
That with the wrong people, when honesty has spoken
You may prepare your heart to get broken.
Or.
You may think it’s broken
But honey, that thought is just poison.
Because broken needs repair
And you don’t need fixing –
At least nothing beyond a breath of fresh air.
 It’s just a little bruised.
 A little crinkled, perhaps, but you can smooth it
With a warm meal here,
A little melody there
Indulge yourself in goodness
Speak to God with your soul stripped bare.
Breathe a little sunshine in,
Breathe a few snowflakes out
And before you know it,
The frustrating puzzle piece does fit.
Your heart is fuller than ever before
And one day you wonder, your doubts left behind on shore,
While you breathe the last snowflake out,
Why you can’t recall what the bruising was ever about.

 

 

Slice of Heaven

-A.S. 
Jan.28,2019

Is Your Heart Glowing?

Abandoned

It’s the end of the year, Christmas and New Year’s time, and for most people, a break from work to travel the world. As I sit in my living room under a furry blanket on my phone, scrolling through my social media feeds, I see glamorous and breathtaking photos of oceans, mountains and colourful skies, historical architecture, mouth-watering dishes, and endless sights of this magnificent world.

I glance out my living room window. White snow, white ice, bare naked trees. I suppose I have to be satisfied with that.

After reflecting briefly on that thought, I decided: you know what?

I am okay with that.

I have outgrown the stage where I used to unconsciously and mentally compare myself to the highlight reel friends post for their network to see. Back in the day, perhaps I’d have felt that my winter break – being spent with just family at home, no new sights to see – was pathetically sad and lacking compared to the whirling adventures everyone else was going through. Perhaps I’d have felt peeved that I’m not really as content as I thought I was before the moment I saw all the Instagram stories.

But I’ve matured. I have learned to listen closely to my heart and carefully avoid falling into the traps of comparing-myself-to-others (which is a dangerous road to envy). I now know that if I was content and at peace before logging into Facebook and Instagram, I sure as hell am still content and at peace. My happiness does not have to take the same form as everyone else’s.

Don’t get me wrong, I think travelling is an unparalleled experience and something worth undertaking for sure. I think travelling opens minds and hearts and is almost like a drug – albeit a legal one and halal, of course! And I think travelling is a sure way for my heart to swell and glow.

What I mean is, simply this: not everyone is at the same place in life to do the same things at the same time. Not everyone is able to use up their short winter break and leave their families, leave weighty responsibilities, or have enough financially to travel. Not everyone is in the right mindset or emotionally ready to explore the world alone without a travelling companion. Not everyone has the right health conditions, or wants to leave a loved one that is ill, to take off for wild adventure. Not everyone has the privilege to travel at this very instant.

If you are in one of the above situations, do not for a moment allow yourself to feel like you are missing out. Happiness is not only what you make of life, but also what you choose of how life makes you. You can still make your heart grow and glow in other ways, but you need to know yourself first.

Right now, my winter break may sound a little lame to some. I’m spending it with my large and wonderful family. We have intimate discussions about faith matters, go out to coffee shops, play board games, watch Netflix and movies together. We make our own New Year’s party, celebrate birthdays with unhealthy sweets, and drive together to go grocery shopping. When I want “me” time, I curl up with a book and hot drink, and read; I write in my diary, journal and blog; I make art in the form of drawings, paintings, geometric patterns, or calligraphy – whatever my mood demands; I communicate with friends; and I also just take the time to contemplate my blessings.

These things make my heart glow.

Whether you are travelling or not leaving your town at all, ask yourself: does my soul feel like it is growing? Is my heart glowing?

That’s the most important ingredient to happiness: your heart glowing. As long as that’s happening, then it makes no difference how your life is being played out.

Be thankful. Always.

Yellow Ceiling
And Allah knows Best.

-A.S.